Grumpy Old Men quotes
1. “Why don’t you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?” — Max Goldman
2. “Good morning, dickhead.” — Max Goldman
3. “Hello, moron.” — John Gustafson
4. “Up yours, Gustafson.” — Max Goldman
5. “You watch your mouth, you damn Swede.” — Max Goldman
6. “It’s a good thing [Jacob is] his mother’s son. If he looked anything like you, he’d never get on the ballot.” — John Gustafson to Max Goldman
7. “Eat my shorts!” — Max Goldman
8. “You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?” — Max Goldman
9. “Oh shut up fat ass!” — Max Goldman
Funniest Grumpy Old Men quotes
10. “If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I’d have asked for another million.” — Max Goldman
11. John Gustafson: “You’re supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.”
Grandpa Gustafson: “I’m 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
12. Ariel Truax: “Gay or straight?”
John Gustafson: “Huh?”
Ariel Truax: “Heterosexual or homosexual?”
John Gustafson: “Geez Louise!”
Ariel Truax: “Well, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.”
John Gustafson: “Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!”
13. Max Goldman: “You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.”
John Gustafson: “Lucky bastard.”
14. Max: “Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck?”
John: “Ohhhh, couldn’t rise to the occasion?”
Max: “Yes, the spirit was willing…”
John: “Yeah, but the flesh was, uh….”
Max: “Weak! Weak!”
15. John: “Hold on, I’m…I’m not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do…safe sex.”
Ariel: “John, when was the last time you made love?”
John: “October 4th….1978.”
Ariel: “Oh, I think we’re safe…..”
16. “The man’s crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That’s of course if he’s taken his medication.” — Max Goldman
Best Grumpy Old Men quotes and sayings
17. “There are many fish In the sea but you’re the only one I’d want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.” — Max Goldman
18. “When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.” — Max Goldman
19. “Kids; can’t live with them. Can’t shoot ’em.” — Grandpa Gustafson
20. “He started it.” — Max Goldman
21. “Hey dickhead. You win the lottery?” — Max Goldman
22. “We did the horizontal mambo.” — John Gustafson
23. “A stroke’s no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day.” — John Gustafson
24. John Gustafson: “Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman.”
Grandpa Gustafson: “A woman?”
John Gustafson: “Yeah.”
Grandpa Gustafson: “Did you mount her?”
John Gustafson: “Ohhh, Dad!”
Grandpa Gustafson: “Well the woman, does she have big thighs?”
John Gustafson: “No!”
Grandpa Gustafson: “No?! Then what’s the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I’d be mounting every woman in Wabasha.”
More Grumpy Old Men quotes and lines
25. “Mmmm… lesbians, yummy!” — Max Goldman
26. “He’s taking the one-eyed monster to the optometrist.” — Grandpa Gustafson
27. “Enjoy your shower, smartass.” — John Gustafson
28. “Hypothermia’s a bitch. It ain’t quick like a stroke.” — Max Goldman
29. John: “Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize.”
Max: “She was to me!”
John: “I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize!”
Max: “She was to me!”
John: “Yeah, well that’s why you’re a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman.”
Max: “She was the best.”
John: “She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.”
30. “You’re trying to steal her away like you did May.” — Max Goldman
Old Man Quotes
The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
A young man without ambition is an old man waiting to be. Steven Brust
There was an old man with a beard, who said: ‘It is just as I feared! Two owls and a hen, four larks and a wren have all built their nests in my beard. Edward Lear
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain
A young man who isn’t a socialist hasn’t got a heart; an old man who is a socialist hasn’t got a head. David Lloyd George
I do old man things by default, just stay in the hotel room, eat oatmeal, and drink tea. Masego
I’m a perfect example of the grumpy, old man. I’m really good at it. Ned Beatty
Next door, there’s an old man who lived to his nineties and one day passed away in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. Ben Folds
Within, stood a tall old man, clean shaven save for a long white moustache, and clad in black from head to foot, without a single speck of colour about him anywhere. Bram Stoker
I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It’s just that the translations have gone wrong. John Lennon
If you think I’m a drunk, you shoulda seen my old man. Hank Williams
Vince McMahon is a workaholic; he sleeps 4 hours a night. The last thing that you want to tell the old man is that you are burned out – you need a break. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. Augustus
I’m a very comfortable and happy-go-lucky old man. I never wanted to be great, because I’d just get worried. Tom T. Hall
Since I was 15 I’ve felt kinda like… an old man. Michael Cera
Before you contradict an old man, my fair friend, you should endeavor to understand him. George Santayana
I’ve played quite a lot of crooks and killers, and that’s quite interesting. Then Dumbledore is the complete opposite, isn’t he? He’s a nice old man. Michael Gambon
You must become an old man in good time if you wish to be an old man long. Marcus Tullius Cicero
I’m a big fan of certain new acts. I love any genre of music, and I think it’s really great to see that there are new artists coming through. It’s kinda funny to think that I’m like the old man on campus now. But I’m really happy for groups like One Direction. I think they’re really good guys. Joe Jonas
Until I really dealt with a lot of the demons in my life – the fear and self-doubt and unresolved issues with my old man – I could never feel fulfilled and happy. I would wake up in the morning and feel bad. David Cassidy
I think other than Jim Cornette, who’s just, you know, a bitter old man who wants viewings, other than people like that guy who are just bitter, I could probably find whatever fan out there and show them some match that I’ve done that they would enjoy. Ricochet
The only thing my old man ever gave me was a beating. Sonny Liston
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren’t in very good shape. Norm MacDonald
The doors between the old man today and the child are still open, wide open. I can stroll through my grandmother’s house and know exactly where the pictures are, the furniture was, how it looked, the voice, the smells. I can move from my bed at night today to my childhood in less than a second. Ingmar Bergman
Just because it’s been around for centuries, doesn’t mean it’s cool to be a creepy old man. Hannah Gadsby
There cannot live a more unhappy creature than an ill-natured old man, who is neither capable of receiving pleasures, nor sensible of conferring them on others. William Temple
I’m an old man, and all my life I’ve said that Notre Dame should remain independent because it’s a national school. Lou Holtz
There are so many things about which some old man ought to tell one while one is little; for when one is grown one would know them as a matter of course. Rainer Maria Rilke
Initially, I just used the guitar as a prop. I’d pose with it in front of a mirror in my Kiss makeup when I was skipping school. Then I figured out how to play the main riff to Deep Purple’s ‘Smoke on the Water’ on just the E string. Next, my old man showed me how to play barre chords, and that’s when things started getting really heavy. Dimebag Darrell
My friends call my style ‘old man chic.’ I wear loafers and stylish sweatpants. I love to stay comfortable, so I definitely funk it up, but I’m always comfortable. I wear lots of hats and feathers, and I kind of have a little obsession with Native American jewelry. Hayley Kiyoko
It is quite cruel that a poet cannot wander through his regions of enchantment without having a critic, forever, like the old man of the sea, upon his back. Marianne Moore
